Who Knew I Liked Being Pregnant?

My  journey into motherhood through pregnancy has been back and forth. There is nothing quite like your first! Oh the excitement, anticipation, and planning. Even when you have experience with babies you don't really know what it will be like to have your own. Pregnancy was not exactly what I thought it was going to be like. My Mom has three girls, all seven years apart from the next. I'm the oldest so I remember her pregnant with my closest sister when I was seven, then even better with my youngest sister when I was fourteen. She was this small little lady with a huge baby belly. She got stretch marks, but was all fit and tone. She could ware those little stretch pants and form fitting tops that show off the roundness of her growing baby. She wattled around and soaked in all the attention, beaming. Pregnancy did not hit me the same way!
I don't have the same "frame" as my small 100lb mother. When I hit 20weeks with my first pregnancy and wasn't showing yet I was frustrated! I wanted everyone to see that I was expecting. As I did begin to "show" the excess weight I had in the midriff area didn't fall flat and away from my belly like I had envisioned, but grew with my belly making me look more like a trucker. To top it off I got horrible stretch marks over the flabby fat surrounding my not round or cute belly. I was cranky, tired, and felt very emotional. The baby sat on my back giving me shooting pains when I walked or sat, and wedged herself up under my ribs. This whole pregnancy thing was not what I had thought it would be like.
With Alexandre I had a similar experience, yet in all it's own ways different. I was still tired and cranky, but now I also had a 1 year old to take care of. He was not in my back or up high, but not low ether. I showed sooner with him and made the transfer from a OBGYN and a hospital, to a Midwife and a birth center. I learned so much more about pregnancy and childbirth. After he was born I experience postpartum mood disorder, the newest nice name for massive hormonal depression. We were done having kids!
When Alexandre was nine months old I found out I was pregnant again, already seven or so weeks. This was not good timing, and wile I was excited to have another baby, I was really scared. To add to the emotional shock of having a third baby so soon my "mood disorder" came back in full force. I fought depression through my whole pregnancy. My perception of my children, my life, my body where all wrong. When Alexandre turned one his sweet little personality turned crazy. He was into everything on purpose and we couldn't keep him calm. Going to the grocery store with a two year old, a crazy one year old, and an obvious pregnant belly did not get me nice approving smiles. The horrible comments started. "Wow, you have got your hands full there!" "Are you sure your ready for another one?" "I'm sure your done now right?" I will say that it was nice to finally get the big belly that I had always envisioned went with pregnancy. It also came with a 10lb baby!!!
After Liam was born we knew we where totally done having children. As Liam got older we noticed something, or someone, missing. He was a Joyous baby. Laughing, smiling, and making funny faces. We would get all piled up next to the door about to leave when Filipe and I would look around for who was missing. We could get everyone buckled into the car and felt like we forgot something, or someone, in the house. Even his parents mentioned meekly one day that it was as if someone was not here who was supposed to be. We began to pray about who was missing in our family.
It was after these prayers that God led us to place not just the next child, but any future children into his hands. This was a gradual process that was so scary that I really didn't think it was going to happen. I agreed with the theology and logic of giving up control of your life to God, but didn't know if I had the faith to take the necessary steps to live that out. I also didn't know if my husband would ever be on the same page.
God began the work in both our hearts by changing how we viewed the children we already had. I began to see how lowly the status of children where in others eyes. I began to treat my children, and my time with them, differently. I saw a change happen not only in my heart, but their hearts, and the heart of my husband. Granted they are still small children. We still struggle with obedience and attentiveness, but my parenting had changed from a duty or a stage I have to get through, to a calling and a Joy. I have also noticed a change in how I am wile pregnant.
I am currently 26 weeks pregnant. The first trimester was hard as usual. I was tired, cranky, and miserable. I was working at Starbucks from 4am-8am three to four days a week. When severe anemia set in I couldn't do it anymore. I had to quit my job. Once into my second trimester I started to experience something different. I still felt tired, and drained from the anemia, I have a huge belly and didn't even make it to twelve weeks before having to switch to maternity clothes, I had cramping and hard braxton hix, and pain in my ligaments from the weight of my growing belly. Yet I was enjoying this pregnancy more then any others. I am happy, excited, and joyous. Not that I wasn't happy before, but there is an element of cherishing this time I am having wile being pregnant.
I am still getting comments. Last Sunday wile walking into church with my family another family we knew passed us and the Husband shook his head at me, with a smile, and said "You're crazy!" If any of us had time to stop at that point I would have responded "No, we are obedient!" My faith has stepped in to take the place of fear. I am able to fully enjoy the blessing God has given us because I know that it is exactly that, a blessing. I feel as if it is similar to the command to tithe. It is so hard to open your hand, and have the faith that God will provide for you when you obey his command to give him the trust of your provision. Once you start to hand him control of your finances, you almost cant wait to drop that money in the basket. It is an act of worship. That is how I feel about this pregnancy. It is an act of worship. I can't wait till the next.
It had not donned on me how I had changed until talking with Nikki. She too has a hard time being pregnant, but has gone through similar heart changes since her last was born. Wile talking with her I made the revelation that I had found this pregnancy to be so Joyous, but also my physical hardest. She said "I would have never thought that this pregnancy had been hard for you. You never talk about it that way". I wonder if she was to get pregnant again how her act of worship would effect how she felt during the process.

I am so thankful for this baby God has created in me. I pray for his provision, peace, and joy throughout this baby's life. I can't wait to see what God has in store for us!



26 Weeks